Have you noticed that those who have gone through
significant trauma in life tend to present themselves as survivors of other
terrible that period of their lives? No one wants to minimize the ferocity of a
fight with a tough situation, such as those listed above, but in no case may
the terrible life that should not come to define us, because we are made to be
much more than just surviving of more than dire situations. And where I saw
this identity survivor has the most impact is the community of cancer patients.
Have long been in contact with this community, because life has to have the
circle of colleagues, friends and know many people who have had to go through
such situations. A few years ago I met after a long time with a former college classmate
who knew a cheerful and optimistic, eager for life and ambitious plans for the
years in which youth force gives strength to fight any and anyone to achieve
your goals. After the first few words you've changed I noticed that something
was wrong with her and asked her what happened. She said that recently learned
that has breast cancer. The good news, if you can call it that, was that it
even work in a hospital that deals mainly treat cancers. She had seen a lot in
his professional career, that would be said to have been prepared, somewhat,
for a situation like that.
But here is what have told many people outraged at the news
that his ill: "What?! But you work even between them and even take care of
them! You should be immune! "As if it were required only to escape with a
single scratch in a plane crash just because it was part of the crew. She told
me that although she had so much experience in cancers of others, had to learn
to fight from the beginning that the status of the patient gave a completely different
perspective of the situation.
Among others was surprised that only a small part of the
cancer experience related to medicine. Most link to feelings and faith, moral
failure and recovery, loss and identity retrieval, discovery of a power and
flexibility that you did not know that there is within you. It's understanding
that the most important things in life are not things at all, but
relationships. Reach slowly, laugh despite uncertainty and learn that you can
withdraw from almost any saying "I have cancer." Let's use this as an
excuse universal.
Another thing she learned was that there is no need to
identify themselves as "cancer survivor" even if there are huge
forces that pushed exactly to that. Please do not get me wrong though.
Organizations oncology early detection efforts, public awareness and cancer
research was cancer normalized. And that's great, now we can talk about cancer
without whispered. Can we talk about cancer and we can support each other. But
sometimes a little over the top like some jump and tell us what is beginning to
feel.
About a week after my surgery, we came home a guest. Maybe
this was our first mistake. Note that at the time had already been chaplain for
over 20 years, so about death, meaning of life and other such topics already
chattering endlessly. At dinner that night visitor begins to stretch his arms
above his head and says, "You know, Deb, now you finally know what's
important. Yes, will have to make some big changes in your life, now you start
to think about death. Yes, that's your signal cancer alarm."And these are
the golden words coming from a man who talks about his own experience. But when
someone tells you that you will feel, it's shit cold water. One thing prevented
me to kill him with my bare hands, that I could not lift his right arm. But I
said a bad word, something about his mother ... that my husband said, "I
have given narcotics." Then after treatment seemed that everyone tells me
what sense will my experience. "It means what it says to do and co
priest." "It means that you come to the meeting." "It means
wearing a pink ribbon and pink shirt and headband and earrings and bracelet and
panties." Panties! Seriously, look on Google! What does this help to
information? Only my husband sees my panties. It's already well informed about
cancer.
At that moment I thought, "God, but this thing will not
let me live!" Then I said to be master of your experience, do not let her
be your master. We all know that in order to cope with trauma, loss, any
life-changing experiences that we must find meaning. But there's a problem: no
one can tell us what is the point of our experience. We must decide what it
means. And you do not need to have any effect colossal externalized. No need to
set up each foundation or organization, write a book or make a documentary. The
meaning can be silent inside. It can make a decision related petty personal
life that could produce a big change.
Many years ago I had a patient, a very popular young man
with all the wonderful medical staff that I was very surprised when we realized
that it had no friend. He lived alone, came to chemotherapy alone and was made
treatment and then went home, alone. I also asked: "How come you do not
ever live with a friend?" To which he: "I do not have friends."
But he had a bunch of friends in section infusions, all loved him. The world
came to his room all the time. At the last session of chemotherapy we gathered
to sing, I put the crown on his head, I made bubbles and then I asked him:
"And? From now what are you going to do? "He replied:" I'll make
friends. "And so he did. He began volunteering and thus made friends. He
started going to church and again and made friends. At Christmas we invited me
and my husband, and the apartment was filled with his friends. Be the master of
your experience, do not let her be your master. He alone decided that the
meaning of his experience was to know the joys and learn to make friends.
What about you? Finding meaning in the experience sucks that
you had? It may be a recent one, or one that you burden for a long time. It's
never too late to change the meaning. Meanings are dynamic: today means
something, but maybe in a year or 10 years will mean nothing. It's never too
late to become something else than a survivor. Hear how the word sounds static?
Surviving. Missing movement, lacking growth. Be the master of your experience.
I let her be your mistress. If you leave, my opinion is that it will impede
will not grow, you will not evolve.
Sure, sometimes outside pressures are to blame because we
assume the identity of surviving. Sometimes we enjoy the good parts. Sometimes
advantages. But then we get stuck. Among the first things learned when I was an
intern chaplain were the three "C" chaplain of activity: consolation,
clarification and, if necessary, confrontation or challenge. Everyone loves
parties consolation and clarification. But the confrontation, not really.
Another thing that I liked when I was chaplain was to see
patients one year or more after treatment, because I tell you, it was really
cool to see how they have changed their lives and how it evolved through which
they passed. So I am very happy someday when I was called to a patient entering
the clinic had talked a year ago. She came with her two daughters aged adult -
you know - to control one year after treatment. So I went down and we found the
height of joy because she had come to the result of analysis NPC: no
pathological changes. At one time I thought that death means no predictable. So
they were very happy and we sat down to talk. But it was strange, because after
two minutes she began to tell me again how was diagnosed with surgery and
chemotherapy, although being the chaplain, talk to her every week and so I knew
the story. She said words like suffering, agony, Battle . And in the end she said: "I felt
crucified." When her daughters were raised and said, "We're going to
take coffee." And they left. Tell me three things about you to the next
station. People were coming down before it reached number 2 or 3. I spread a
napkin and I hugged her. Then, because I loved this woman, I said, "Get
down from the cross." And she says, "What?" I said again:
"Get down from the cross." And bravo they managed to tell me what has
reasons to acquire that identity and then to stick to it. By that received much
attention. People had finally take care of her. But now I had to have the
opposite effect. People start to avoid it. They were going to “take coffee”.
The experience made her feel crucified, but she did not want to leave crucified
self to die. You probably think I was a little rough with her, but I must say
that I was talking from my own experience. With many years before had been
fired from a job he loves and talking incessantly about my innocence, about
injustice, betrayal and deception until, as in her case, people started to
avoid me until I finally realized that not just trying to understand my
feelings, but I amplify them. I did not want to leave my ego crucified to die.
But we all know that in any story of resurrection, first you have to die.
Christian story of Jesus stayed dead a whole day in the tomb and then rose
again. I think for us to stay in the grave means to care for our wounds
thoroughly and allow us to heal ourselves. We must let ego crucified to die I
was born a new, truer one. You must let go of the old stories that can be told
a new story, a truer. Be masters of your own experience. I leave you master it.
Why do not exist "survivors"? That is what would
happen if people would decide to take pain as an experience and not as an
identity? So I can never be hostages of our wounds and we begin wonderful way
of exploration and self-discovery and growth. Can we start defining oneself go
through what we have become and what we become.
So perhaps survival was not one of the three things that
I've said. Nothing. I want to tell everyone how good I feel that we are in the
bus together. I get off here.
HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!
foto credit: google.com
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