I am a single mom

I am rapidly approaching 36 years. I can say with hand on heart that I like to be me, I love the life I lead, I reconciled with all that life has offered me so far. The only thing that I can not reconcile the label single mother. And the truth is that I do not want.

I have a wonderful child, but he had to learn to enjoy life consciously to have been generous with us. From the first moments of life I had to fight hard to survive, and when he did ... the fear is kidnapped to as his father. He chose to go away from our child, try to look for the hand of man who would have needed his presence probably scared of everything that happened. So, after months in which we have always been terrible with only half a step in the face of death, we found ourselves alone.

The first months of the divorce have not even noticed loneliness, being too busy caring for my baby how I do it best. But things were quiet, began to enter into a somewhat normal; a little different from other normal

children, but for us so welcome. Only then I left overwhelmed by all the fears, obsessions and dark thoughts; I read and reread all medical items and statistics in a desperate bid to provide a small measure how what kind of fate awaits us my baby and me. With all the struggle and the search continues nothing I could offer what we hope to find, so after a few months I stopped looking for certainties and I accepted things to come (if it is to blame, of course) will come and we will have to deal with it.

Luckily child performed increasingly better, installed in our wellbeing. I began to feel alone, terribly alone. So

 I did what any woman would do: I started to look for a partner. Responses were something like, get used to the idea that you'll be just mother and so there's nothing wrong with being just a mother. But how to accept that your life 35 years has ended?

I rebelled against everything which meant my life at that moment: I revolted against that fate had prepared me

so, I rebelled against the disease, I rebelled against others and I made my first mistake identifying, in an unwitnessed, in my unhappiness person my child. I started slowly to get more erijat supervisor, educator, my child's carer, trying to break soul ties that linked us. At that moment, for the first time, we stopped being a team. I realized that things are not ok, so I started a vicious fight with myself, I analyzed every thought, every action, my soul came back inside, I was forced to do things right and, helped by the wonder of my child, I managed to fix what the sheer stupidity ruin.

Things seemed to calm down again, but I made a second mistake: I entered a completely inappropriate relationship with a person who from the beginning said that nohow could not love a woman in my situation. And the natural question is: why, knowing that from the beginning, I put in it?

Maybe I acted out of fear that something does not exist for me anyway, can I hoped that when you get to know me will change what can I simply wanted to have a part of my life for myself, perhaps attracted me show definitely that man, though often it definitely was unfounded. The fact is that after several months of relationship things between us were just like the beginning, his inability to accept me with all that I remain the same.

The one who irretrievably changed in all this time I was: little by little I rediscovered, I regained confidence in me, I shook the burden of fear or obsessive thoughts and I armed with hopes, dreams and plans, many plans for me and my child. So finally I had the power to put an end connection which, although wrong, gave me the opportunity to meet a man whom I am grateful for all that I am today.

I rethought and begin to build my career and another to be more present in the life of the small, struggling to gain some financial security, whatever ... I try to thrive. My big dilemma is still there but less pressing, less oppressive, but always present: I will be able to meet someone who accept me and love me for me and my child? I do not want to "restore" life, my life should not be "rebuilt" so that's fine as it is, it should just completed a suitable male presence. I do not need someone to help me, because I'm doing very well and only one, though I wish somebody. I still hope, but just think life will decide about it.

foto credit: google.com

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